Friday, August 29 - Sub

There once was a submarine full of people like you and like me.
Diving deep down into a rough and raging sea.
When they resurfaced the ship their gauges went out
They were no longer on Earth without shadow of a doubt
Two moons in the sky and constellations unknown
There was no way for them to find their way home


And everybody died.


The End.

Thursday, August 28 - SPAAAAAACE

The year is 2199

The month of December, the 31st.

This is the way the world ends.

In 2012, a man by the name of Tony pulled off a feat of such stupidity that he captured the admiration of two young art students, Jack Brody and Giuseppe. They followed him after this event and chronicled his life of failure, from pursuing his dream of becoming a Hollywood lighting guy to building murderous robots for a pizza place. Their published book, The Chronology of Tony, went viral and immediately hit the NY Times best seller list. And stayed there forever. When the Religion of the Almighty Tony took over the world, a prophecy was declared that the world will end in 2200 on the first of the year. The Religion of the Almighty Tony has stolen the Cosmic Toothbrush, which holds the universe together, to ensure the completion of their master's prophecy. The last of the Hoomans are myself, the dashingly handsome Hank Handsomeman, and the much less great scientist Nora. We are the only humans not in the Religion of the Almighty Tony. So they exiled us. In space. Where no one can see my gorgeous face. It is a true travesty, but with the universe collapsing I guess it's a close second. I now see the light. Almighty Tony forgive me.

Wednesday, August 27 - Aminals

Have you ever been caught in a traffic jam? Are you constantly late for work or school because of freeway congestion? What if I told you you could beat the rush hour by trampling over it with your very own BRONTOSAURUS? How could this be, you ask? Through extensive genetic engineering we have created Ride-osaurs!! Why sit in a highway traffic jam when you can crush cars and innocent bystanders alike on top of your very own Triceratops?! FOUR WORDS. RIDE-OSAURS ARE THE FUTURE!!! Fly over city streets on your Pterodactyl, or have your raptor eat your jerk boss. Because its not murder if nature takes its course. Its the circle of life. People are born, people are eaten by prehistoric beasts, people die. See. Circle of life. Just like the Lion King. But with dinosaurs. And much more death and destruction. But mostly dinosaurs. Like what you're hearing? Damn right you do! Call and get your Ride-osaur today!!

Monday, August 25 - Character

It's been ahh... about 3 years since I moved out of the forest. I roamed around for a while, abandoned hospitals, schools, even a carnival for a while. The scare business was always lucrative, ya know? You find these teens sneaking around the forest at night, so you put up a few notes and scare the bejeezus out of 'em. I was a professional horror monster for about 10 years. Then I just got washed up, old news. New monsters took the limelight, mutated monsters chasing amnesiacs, malfunctioning animatronics, mental patients who take over the asylum. Horror kinda took off for the future and left me behind, I guess. But it was a good run, had some good times.  Used to chase this guy every week, he had this stupid pink moustache. Last I saw him he was leaving my forest for the decrepit pizza place with the bad animatronics. But I'm not bitter, no. I'll admit my first several weeks were spent in the bottom of a bottle in a really sketchy bar, but then I picked myself up, cleaned up, dusted off the old suit, and now I'm here.

Would you mind telling us what you do now Mr. Slenderman?

Oh yes, of course. I am now the District Branch Manager of Intel Computer Systems here in the San Fernando Valley area. My father was proud to hear I had given up scaring to actually use my degree in Microcomputer Engineering.

Thank you for your time Mr. Slenderman. We will be right back with more The Fall of The Slender Man right after these messages.

Friday, August 22 - Wacky Words

I don't even know where to start.

Here I am in Creative Writing class trying to write something and I have to use two words 10 times each. 10 times. Like what? And the words I got are equally troublesome. Petrifying and flirtatious. Again dear reader, I say like what? Petrifying and flirtatious? What even? How does one even fabricate something that can use those two words 10 times each. Petrifying and flirtatious. Twenty words in this thing have to be petrifying and flirtatious. I have to say petrifying and flirtatious ten times each in this blog entry. I don't even think any situation in life could use petrifying and flirtatious that many times. Anyone who would use petrifying and flirtatious that many times I would think either they have a very limited vocabulary of rather specialized words, or they are just crazy people. In any case, who would ever use the words petrifying or flirtatious that many times? It's unnecessary. If I were talking to someone and they used petrifying and flirtatious that many times first I would probably be like "Hey, I get it, petrifying and flirtatious, I understood the first ten times you said it." Is this what I've come to? Writing nonsense with two dumb words twenty times? I refuse to conform. I'm not even going to do do it. Nope. I quit.

Thursday, August 21 - Something

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Wednesday, August 20 - Alter Ego

I sit in a dimly lit room, tablet in hand watching the security cameras. This is some pretty high tech for a security manager at a kids pizza place. To my left and right are electronically sealed security doors, with security lights in the halls. Only thing was all this tech used a lot of electricity, and there was only so much stored up from the backup generator. I check the tablet cams again as the phone rings. A prerecorded message from the previous security manager plays.

Hey, welcome to your first night on the job. There's really nothing security wise to worry about here. Although the animatronics do get a bit... quirky at night. But hey if I had to sing the same stupid songs for 20 years, I'd be a bit quirky too. But yeah they go kinda roam free around the restaurant, something about their servos locking up, but you shouldn't have any problems with them... uhh but don't let them see you. If they did see you they probably wont recognize you as a person, they'd probably think you were a robotic skeleton without it's costume on. And because that's not allowed here, they would uhh... try to force you into a bear suit. Which wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for all the wires and gears, the only part of you that would ever see the light of day again would be your eyes and teeth being pushed out the front of the mask, but I wouldn't worry about that. You'll be fine, just make sure to conserve your power, and make sure to check your cameras so you know where they are.

I hear a loud banging on a metal door in the recording.

Oh. Yeah if you don't mind maybe checking the suits before you leave, i think I'm gonna try to wait it out in there. It can't be so bad right? Okay well I don't think i have too much more time. Good luck.

The message finished and all the lights went out. I had used all the power leaving the tablet on and listening to the message. It's okay though. There are two lights outside the security door, coming from lifeless eyes. They'd found me. But it's okay, it cant be that bad, right?

Tuesday, August 19 - Scariest Place

This world has a plethora of terror-inducing locales, but the centerfold of horrors, the most disturbing of establishments, has been shrouded in mystery, a wool pulled over the eyes of humanity in an attempt to hide the truth from those who find bliss in ignorance.  The stench of a thousand dying dreams, the dark corridors that threaten to suffocate you in blackness. The disturbing creatures in the darkness, their matted fur and lifeless eyes as they close in to seal your doom. All the while singing the song of their people, a song meant to bring joy now has a much more sinister meaning indeed.

My dear reader, I only intend to remove the proverbial wool from your eyes and allow you to see the true horrors that lie within.

There is one in every city, in every state of this nation.

Truly truly I say to you oh brothers, no longer be fooled by the deceit, and see that true horror in this world is never truly felt until you yourself experience it firsthand.

These are the horrors of a Chuck E. Cheese after hours.

Thursday, August 14 - Gross

The best experience of my life has got to be the time I tried calamari.  

Just the texture of crunching through the fibrous membranes and the sensation of the suction cups holding to the back of my throat for dear life is unparalleled in any other life experience.  If you have not indulged in this delicacy of only the finest of societies members, please allow me to try to give due diligence to the fine culinary creation that is the calamari cuisine.  Imagine yourself, in the dirtiest of beach bar shacks the Gold Coast has to offer.  The kinds where you can smell next weeks fish tacos fumigating beneath the pier. Yes dear reader, that's the kind. Imagine sitting in a lavish and luxurious wooden bench at a table that can only be described as veteran of early morning drunkard ralf-fest. Take in the smells as the 5 Star staff covered in about as much bodily filth as they are tattoos and rasta colored attire deliver to you the plate of calamari that you so craved. Regardless of whether you would rather have the calamari placed into a dirty shoe and served with a side of dirty band-aids, you understand because this restaurant, as high class as it is, is still a moderately casual dining experience. As you bite into the first of the arms of the sea creature nightmares are made of, you begin formulating the experience occurring inside your mouth. It feels as if you have placed a piece of tire rubber covered in hot organs of a diseased mountain lemur into your mouth, covered in tiny vacuums, and cooked in a dirty microwave. Each suction cup bursts with flavor as you chew, a taste described as sea water and orphan tears. After you have finished your meal, you look back and reflect on what a pleasurable experience you have had, and admire the simplicity of the dirty beach shack, and the colors in the stains on the floor. Is that one blood? Probably. After receiving your check and paying, you go back to your condo where you sit on your couch and pray for death as your stomach tries to escape your body before you can put anything that horrific inside it again.

10 out of 10. Would eat again.

Try some

Wednesday, August 13 - Animal

So this is my life.

Every day it's the same thing. Wake up, swim to shore. My day is usually pretty standard. I get to the mainland and hang out with my chaps. Sometimes we will get into a little scuffle, knock down a couple buildings in the process, perhaps level half of Tokyo, but its all a part of life.

Godzilla doesn't have it as easy as you think.

So today me and the lads were hanging out by the beach, as we Kaiju monsters tend to enjoy doing, when all of a sudden I saw something down by King Ghidra's foot. It was a human. A HUMAN. Humans are nightmare fuel. Ughhh so creepy and gross. Sometimes they get so big you have to hit them with a newspaper plant or a shoe store. No way am I going to step on one that size.  Ghidra noticed the human and freaked out, launching a laser beam into the side of a tower. We all hid behind the lighthouse and wondered what to do about it. I went and found a cup and put it on top of the human. I would deal with that thing later.  That's when the jets started circling. Gigan swatted a few out of the air whilst repeating "Eww" over and over again. A helicopter flew past my head and I didn't see where it went, and then a wave of crippling fear and dread came over me.

SCREEEEEEEONK

In my horrified scream I breathed a beam of atomic energy onto the beach, turning it to glass and the humans to crisps. I turned my back to Ghirda.

IS IT ON ME??

Ghidra looked me over and assured me that it was not in fact on me. Great, now I'm gonna be paranoid all day about having humans crawling all over me. Fantastic. So now as you can see, it's really hard being a giant Kaiju in a human infested world.

Being Godzilla sucks.

Inspiration