Just the texture of crunching through the fibrous membranes and the sensation of the suction cups holding to the back of my throat for dear life is unparalleled in any other life experience. If you have not indulged in this delicacy of only the finest of societies members, please allow me to try to give due diligence to the fine culinary creation that is the calamari cuisine. Imagine yourself, in the dirtiest of beach bar shacks the Gold Coast has to offer. The kinds where you can smell next weeks fish tacos fumigating beneath the pier. Yes dear reader, that's the kind. Imagine sitting in a lavish and luxurious wooden bench at a table that can only be described as veteran of early morning drunkard ralf-fest. Take in the smells as the 5 Star staff covered in about as much bodily filth as they are tattoos and rasta colored attire deliver to you the plate of calamari that you so craved. Regardless of whether you would rather have the calamari placed into a dirty shoe and served with a side of dirty band-aids, you understand because this restaurant, as high class as it is, is still a moderately casual dining experience. As you bite into the first of the arms of the sea creature nightmares are made of, you begin formulating the experience occurring inside your mouth. It feels as if you have placed a piece of tire rubber covered in hot organs of a diseased mountain lemur into your mouth, covered in tiny vacuums, and cooked in a dirty microwave. Each suction cup bursts with flavor as you chew, a taste described as sea water and orphan tears. After you have finished your meal, you look back and reflect on what a pleasurable experience you have had, and admire the simplicity of the dirty beach shack, and the colors in the stains on the floor. Is that one blood? Probably. After receiving your check and paying, you go back to your condo where you sit on your couch and pray for death as your stomach tries to escape your body before you can put anything that horrific inside it again.
10 out of 10. Would eat again.
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